more stupid jokes :

[Mclock]

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf.
He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the
second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his
cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been
in a terrible accident and that she was in critical condition in ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be
there as soon as possible.

As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best
ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.

He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal
best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous
best game by more than 10.

He was jubilant.... then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor
and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your
round of golf didn't you?"

"I hope you're proud of yourself!"

"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country
club, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went
ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your
last!"
"For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll
be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor snickered and said,

"Just messing with you man. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"

[Mclock]

WOMEN ARE EVIL
 
I can't argue the fact that this is an evil woman!)
 
 
A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub... She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
 
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
 
"Actually, no," he replied.
 
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
 
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
 
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
 
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
 
"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

[Mclock]

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking Buddy, Mick. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Brigid. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of band-aids and began putting a band-aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then his the now almost empty band-aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Brigid staring at him from across the room. She said, You were drunk again last night, weren't you, Paddy? Paddy said, "Why do you say such a thing?"

Well, Brigid said, it could be the open front door. It could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs. It could be the drops of blood trailing through the house. It could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly...it's all those band-aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[Mclock]

One day a Blonde walked into the doctors office with 2 red ears.

The doctor asked what happened.

She said "I was ironing and the phone rang and I picked up the iron by mistake.

"What happened to the other ear?" the doctor asked.

"They called back."

[Mclock]

Redneck Man's pick up lines
 
1) Did you fart?
Cuz you blew me away.
 
2) Are yer parents retarded?
Cuz ya sure are special.
 
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
I can't hold it in.
 
4) Do you have a library card?
Cuz I'd like to sign you out.
 
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
Cuz I can see myself in em.
 
6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
 
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
But beauty's only a light switch away.
 
8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."
 
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
But I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
 
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
 
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
 
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
We kin sleep til afternoon.
 
And.... The best for last!
 
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
Every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

[AmyHollar]

Redneck Man's pick up lines
 
1) Did you fart?
Cuz you blew me away.
 
2) Are yer parents retarded?
Cuz ya sure are special.
 
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
I can't hold it in.
 
4) Do you have a library card?
Cuz I'd like to sign you out.
 
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
Cuz I can see myself in em.
 
6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
 
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
But beauty's only a light switch away.
 
8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."
 
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
But I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
 
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
 
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
 
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
We kin sleep til afternoon.
 
And.... The best for last!
 
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
Every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

Now these are funny!

[race track phil]

                 
               The members of *** were treated to and all expenses
               cruise to the Virgin Islands , but little did they know Burton
               had snuck aboard !

               Unfortunately a terrible storm sank there ship and the
               members had to swim to the nearest island . Burton naturally
               decided to swim to another island .

               The *** members were getting settled but the island
               was bare of any source of food , no animals , no fruit or
               anything to eat , after several days one member *** Orr
               who is a part time peeping tom had his binoculars with him
               for peeping noticed that Burton was on the next island !

               Burton was sitting in the shade eating what looked like a
               turkey leg and a gigantic amount of fresh fruit right nearby !
               
               Naturally *** Orr started screaming lets swim to the
               other island and beat the shit out of Burton and take the
               island . 20 members decided to go with little *** because
               he was no match for Burton alone .

               The others waited eagerly for little *** and his friends
               to comeback , Finally they decided to go see what happened
               and as they started to swim to the island !

               Little *** and the members were coming back yelling

               Go back   Go back  Go back  waving there hands !

               they were covered in blood !

               Finally little *** yelled !

               there are two of them !  there are two of them !

               Tonymfan is with Burton !



                                        RTP

[Mclock]

                 
               The members of *** were treated to and all expenses
               cruise to the Virgin Islands , but little did they know Burton
               had snuck aboard !

               Unfortunately a terrible storm sank there ship and the
               members had to swim to the nearest island . Burton naturally
               decided to swim to another island .

               The *** members were getting settled but the island
               was bare of any source of food , no animals , no fruit or
               anything to eat , after several days one member *** Orr
               who is a part time peeping tom had his binoculars with him
               for peeping noticed that Burton was on the next island !

               Burton was sitting in the shade eating what looked like a
               turkey leg and a gigantic amount of fresh fruit right nearby !
               
               Naturally *** Orr started screaming lets swim to the
               other island and beat the shit out of Burton and take the
               island . 20 members decided to go with little *** because
               he was no match for Burton alone .

               The others waited eagerly for little *** and his friends
               to comeback , Finally they decided to go see what happened
               and as they started to swim to the island !

               Little *** and the members were coming back yelling

               Go back   Go back  Go back  waving there hands !

               they were covered in blood !

               Finally little *** yelled !

               there are two of them !  there are two of them !

               Tonymfan is with Burton !



                                        RTP

                                               LOL